just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
