watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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