i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
