Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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