Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
