All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
