i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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