After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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