I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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