Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Randomize
