life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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