ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
