I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
