so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
