hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize