I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize