the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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