The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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