her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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