I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
