...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
