I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
