Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
