Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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