I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
