The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
