Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
