If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
