That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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