the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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