Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize