That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
