Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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