Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
