he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
