If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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