Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
