my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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