Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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