i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
