Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
birth control should be required to get into college
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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