You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
