You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
