This is not my ceiling
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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