so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
