i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
