I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
