Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
