Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
