I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
