Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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