My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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