imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
All the doctor said was why
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize