I queefed so loud it echoed.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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