This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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