You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize